somehow i just hate it when everything comes to an end. not that i didnt ask for it but i just cant take it.

i wish my mum didnt have to come this week, so i could put all my rage and anger towards my arm. she's going to be so disappointed just having a glimpse of my arm.

it doesnt help other people but it most definitely helps me. on how i could sleep soundly at night after doing it and such.

i wish i had a million dollars so i could spend it going around the world and not have any worries. half for traveling and half in my savings. it would probably last me around 1 whole year if my parents stopped giving me my allowance.

guilty as charged ... i hate me.
rick.

fuck this day and every other day!

woke up early to do my ptptn stuff. went to the bank in uptown and got my car clamped! had to pay fucking rm50 to remove the clamp! then i had to go to college and the lady said i needed more documents and to come back tomorrow. so i practically wasted around ... rm70 just to sign up for ptptn. what a fucked up day.

then came back and studied my ass off. went to shower and i lost my earring i bought yesterday. fucked up day i tell you. i hate this day. screw it. im playing games to release this fucked up stress.

rick.

the days just keeps getting better and better ... not!

sigh ... how is it possible that life can come around kicking my ass AGAIN! i bought 4 bottles of beer and sat outside the apartment. drinking my misery away. unfortunately i could only down 2 bottles and a couple of cigarettes until i felt stupid. i just dont understand me sometimes. i think im just too demanding. wanting everything and yet not giving anything. more input less output.

i dont know if im doing the right thing or the worst i've ever. even worse than when i was with jac. gosh. the past keeps coming back to me. it's like something keeps reminding me of the past. i'm sick and tired of it all ... i just want to be alone. i dont want to deal with anything anymore. maybe i was meant to be a bachelor. just a stupid little guy that never grows up.

i'd rather jump down a tall building than go through another day of my life. the cuts dont help anymore. its not helping even though i cut myself a million times. it's like a sign telling me that im done for. theres nothing else that could and will help me. nothing. just emptiness.

sadness reigns in his eyes. nothing would ever be the same again.
rick.

i feel so pathetic, looking back at pictures of jac and i together. i honestly really missed the time we had together. making her laugh, smile, angry and even cry just to see how she would respond. i miss her kisses. her endless kisses. before she goes to classes, before im off to college, random kisses when we feel like kissing each other. it feels so surreal now, that none of that will ever happen again. i really miss her. the endless love she gave me.

sure, i did a few things i shouldn't have done. but hey, people make mistakes and they learn from there. don't judge before you know first hand what actually happened. i really feel like a jerk, of how i treated her. the awkward silence i always gave her when i was mad, keeping the anger inside instead of letting it out and so on. heck, i could go on all night stating my stupidness when i was with her.

my mindset is still the same than before. i still love her. even though what happened between us, i'd rather just put it in the past and start anew. but heck, who am i kidding, as if we were ever going to get back together again. she'd rather fly back to melbourne than to meet me. i think i'd do the same. but i would at least try. because i still have such deep feelings for this girl.

sigh, the cutting never stops.
rick.

everything is breaking apart. im breaking apart. i have this bad feeling inside of me. just trying to break me free or something else.

now is the time i want to go back to kk and just stay there and think of nothing-ness. i dont want to have any worries, no hassle, no nothings. i just want to be alone. i just want to get away from this place. i cant take it being here. yeah i know im being all pissy and whiney like a little bitch. what can i do? i fucking hate it. i hate myself for being like this. screw it.

what do you do when it all falls apart ... ?

rick.